A friend, whom I'll call Julia in this post, told me the other day that, growing up, she would be told before entering a relative's home that she was to say yes to everything she's offered, and that people in that culture really liked feeding their guests and being hospitable.
I couldn't help but note: Isn't it interesting how it's considered hospitable to take no consideration of your guest's preferences, to just insist on giving them what you want them to want?
And society says that we're supposed to play our part and respond accordingly. Sometimes that involves putting on a smile, showing gratitude, validating the other person's efforts. They feed us food; we feed their ego. And because we all play our respective roles in this social theatre, a less-than-ideal tradition gets to perpetuate and replicate, creating an illusion that Everyone loves this! This works very well for all involved! And if you don't like it, you are the problem!
Oh, and if you do want to say no, the social script also provides 'correct' ways to do so. Certain reasons are deemed more acceptable than others. Certain lies are also considered okay, even preferred, if they avoid 'hurt feelings' within certain people. How often do we see people asking things like 'How do I tell my parents that I don't want to go home for Thanksgiving?' or 'How do I tell my close friend that I cannot afford to go to her destination wedding?'?
I think of a lot of social practices as theatre. You can re-cast anyone and end up with more or less the same play, because it's not really about the person involved. The person is more there to keep a fictional story alive.
Now, of course, no one says that there's only one way to interpret a tradition or that we must follow it in every context. But as someone who's Hong Kong Chinese and who studies cults, I do see how often a seemingly benign practice can be weaponsed, interpreted in extreme ways, and used as what cult scholars would call a thought-stopping technique.
There's nothing wrong with 'Respect your elders', for instance, but that depends largely on how we define 'respect'. Is respect the same as deference? As subjugation? As one side being beyond reproach and the other not having the full set of human rights? And are they throwing that phrase out while continuing to abuse you, break you down, and shape you into what they want you to be? I see a culture that prioritises the image of harmony over the hard work of achieving true harmony, if we define harmony as 'a relationship in which various components exist together without destroying one another' (definition from The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition; italics mine). It's really, really hard, and it's really, really important that we keep trying.
I'm writing this post in the days following the US presidential election. Among the discussions I've seen online is that a number of White women want something – a blue bracelet, for example – to show marginalised folks that they're one of the safe people, that they're not one of the 53% of White women who voted for Trump. My Threads algorithm shows me a lot of posts from Black and other marginalised groups, and so it's not surprising that I see many comments along the lines of 'Stop being performative and needing to be seen as a safe person rather than doing what it takes to be a safe person. De-centre yourself. Get comfortable being uncomfortable.'
Recent events have reminded me of the long period of time when I, too, carried water for the patriarchy and for various abusers. I was complicit. I too internalised a lot of oppression, kept myself small, sought validation from the very people who harmed me, let them consume so much of my time and bandwidth, gave power away to people and systems that didn't deserve it. I too was driven by fear and ended up doing things that I was not and am not proud of. The conditioning was so deep, and the moral injury so immense.
For some people, oppression starts at home. And it grooms them and sets them up for more abuse. And many hurt people hurt people and/or allow other hurt people to hurt people. It's a cycle that I really want to help break.
As I wrote a while back in my post about overcoming codependency, I am clear on my values and how I want to live my values. This remains a good question I ask myself: I may not have created the monster, but am I feeding it? I no longer want feed the monster. I no longer want to be complicit. I no longer want to adapt to and even prop up dysfunction.
Doing the hard work of self-liberation has led me to see the world with more clarity – and with more agency.
Last month I attended a brilliant World Schema Therapy Day lecture on adapting schema therapy to Japanese culture, presented by Arinobu Hori and Fumiyo Oshima. One key takeaway for me is how many people (like me, early in my recovery) could use the affirmation that yes, they too possess basic human rights.
Respecting everyone's basic human rights is what I'm interested in. Not some version of Animal Farm's 'some animals are more equal than others'.
When it comes to traditions, the question I ask myself is this: In what ways does this tradition honour everyone's rights and dignity?